Wrath: A Word or Two About Air Travel

It used to be glamorous. It used to be exciting. It used to be only a little uncomfortable. Now, taking a plane trip is about the most taxing experience (2nd to childbirth). Everyone flies. You have to fly to get pretty much anywhere. So, why has the quality of air travel been on a steady decline since the 60’s?

Does anyone else remember getting a little pillow & blanket? A decent sandwich? How about those little tv’s that were in the headrest of the seat in front of you where you could play games and watch movies? Airplane wifi??? WHY haven’t I seen these things in years??? Now, the only amenities I see on planes are a stale package of pretzels (roughly 10 minis per package), a half-full tiny plastic cup of beverage (mostly ice), and exactly one square foot of personal space.

If you’re real lucky you’ll get to sit next to:

-crying children

-a 300 pound man who’s afraid of flying and cries half the trip (true story)

-a guy who sits behind you and angrily asks you to put your seat back up when you’ve dared to recline it

-the child who kicks your seat the entire trip whose parents DO NOT do ANYTHING to stop him

-the person who puts their tray table up and down and up and down (JUST PICK A POSITION ALREADY!!!!)

-a person who actually thinks they want to have a conversation with you

-the guy who decided to bring a bag of beef jerky on the plane

-a puker

And you get all this for the fair price of (on average) $400-$500

CONGRATULATIONS!

Wrath: Trader Joe’s Cashier

At a recent trip to Trader Joe’s, the cashier felt the need to comment on all of my groceries.

“Woah, you sure do like quinoa!”

“Yep.”

“I mean, you got two kinds in here!”

WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM? CAN’T A GIRL HAVE SOME QUINOA?? ONE TYPE FOR BREAKFAST AND ONE TYPE FOR DINNER? LAY OFF, DUDE!

“Yep. Sure do.”

“And quinoa chips! Woah! Wait, those look pretty good.”

“Yeah, they are.”

“I gotta get some of those.”

“You should.”

“Woah, that’s a ton of kale!”

“Yep.”

“I can’t stand that stuff!”

“Well, I guess it depends how you cook it.”

“Naw, I don’t like anything like that. I hate most vegetables.”

silence.

“Hey, looks like someone’s baking something!”

“Yes.”

“I love sweets.”

“Who doesn’t?”

“What are you gonna make?

I’M GONNA BAKE COOKIES OKAY?? COOKIES!!! VEGAN CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! I’M GONNA BAKE THEM BY MYSELF AND THEN CRY ALL ALONE WATCHING SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE AND THEN DRY MY TEARS WITH SACKS OF FLOUR OKAY???? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

“cookies.”

“cool. Hey, aren’t you in a commercial?”

“no.”

“yeah you are! I know you’re in a commercial!”

NO I’M NOT IN A FREAKING COMMERCIAL STOP RUBBING MY FACE IN IT!!!!!

“nope.”

As I leave I overhear him saying to the next customer:

“Woah-ho! We got some broccoli up in here!”

image from wikipedia

Wrath: Things That Should Stay in 2011

New year, new start, new resolutions, new goals….a new list of things that were popular in 2011 that should have ended at the stroke of midnight. (All images from google.com)

• The use of the words “epic” and “epic fail” as descriptors to anything in your life.

• The Jersey Shore

• “Winning”

• Kardashian weddings

• Celebrity 15 minute marriages

• Every movie in 3D

• “Real” Housewives

• Hipsters

• Ugg boots with shorts

• Reality “stars” “writing” “books” (yes, lots of quotation marks there.)

• Pop songs about drinking and glitter

• Courtney Stodden

• Pajama jeans

• Adult onesies

I also have a list of my favorite things from 2011 that I hope are here to stay:

• Pinterest
• Kate Middleton style

• Spotify
• Revenge
• Game of Thrones on HBO

• Ombre hair (I loved it this summer, and I hope I can do it again this summer)
• Shit Girls Say
• Maxi skirts
• Midi dresses

What are your 2011 bests and worsts?

Wrath: Adult Onesies

Whyyyyyy, Target, WHYYYYYY?! I can’t believe my number one store has let me down yet again. This time is even more disgraceful than the overalls debacle. This is far, far worse. I’m talkin about the adult onesie. The buyers for Target thought modern consumers would walk in, see a display of grown-up sized fleece one piece footed pajamas (WITH a butt flap!!) and not only be pleased to have found such a magnificent garment, but that they would also be delightfully surprised to see that they come in an assortment of colors.

Oh, dear.

I don’t understand why clothes have become so unbearably uncomfortable that we can’t sit still in them except when in polite company (and maybe not even then!). Now, I’m not going to pretend I didn’t purchase a Snuggie. I did. But in my defense, it was leopard print, and no one saw me in it! (and it was soooooo comfy). But I draw the line when it comes to dressing like a newborn. The only thing this product is missing is a pacifier and a big box of Depends. Grow up and throw on some old sweatpants like the rest of us self-respecting adults (diaper optional).

Wrath: Reasons Why I Can’t Be Friends With You

Admit it. There are certain criteria for for friendships. Everyone, whether they realize it or not, has their own set of rules that truly define who they’ll be friends with. I’ve compiled a few of mine into a list, and I hope you’ll share with me some of yours. Here are reasons why I can’t be friends with you:

If you don’t laugh at fart jokes

If you are a self-proclaimed “super mom”

If you don’t think The Office is funny

If you try to tell me why I shouldn’t be vegan

If you don’t like dogs

If you can’t go a day without makeup

If you won’t come to my play

If you won’t go to Disneyland with me

If you have a jealous bf/gf who calls every 15 minutes when we go out to make sure you’re not doing anything bad

If you wear running shoes with jeans

If you can’t laugh at yourself

If you don’t “get” sarcasm

If you were born in the 80s, but still pretend you don’t know how to work computers

If you won’t let me borrow your clothes

If you think The Boondock Saints is too violent

If you’re still saying “epic” or “epic fail”

If you won’t drive me to the airport

If you or your boyfriend wears Ed Hardy (in a non-ironic way)

If you still have a MySpace

If you check in using 4 Square EVERYWHERE YOU GO and it posts updates on EVERY OTHER SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE YOU USE

If I puke in Vegas and instead of holding my hair back, you move to another table and pretend you don’t know me (you know who you are!)

If you’ve ever been on Extreme Couponing, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, or any MTV reality dating show.

If you or your boyfriend has a “chin strap” beard or a “soul patch”

If you make me drink alone

If you invite me to your wedding and then never say hi to me

If you have a pet snake

If you make people take their shoes off at your house

If you have a butterfly tramp stamp

If you don’t watch/read the news (or at least watch The Daily Show/Colbert!)

If you’re cooler or hotter than me

If you won’t let me date your hot brother

If you don’t like action movies

If you consistently post bad pictures of me on Facebook but won’t take them down because YOU look good in them (or pretend you don’t know how)

If you show up to spin class wearing full makeup (including lipstick)

If you think shopping at TJ Maxx, thrift stores, or Forever 21 is beneath you

If you smell really bad

Here are two of my besties who really did let me puke in Vegas by myself (but I forgive you….also, payback’s a bitch.)

Here’s another bestie who is both cooler and hotter than me, but she trips more often than I do, so it evens out.

What are some of your “dont’s” of friendship?

Wrath: Peggings? (leggings for pants)

As the temperatures are getting cooler and those boots are coming out of storage, I know you’re all just itching to pull on your favorite fall item: leggings. Now, this has been a very heated debate among young women everywhere as leggings are probably the most comfortable thing you could possibly wear (besides my old Penn State sweatpants). Yet, worn inappropriately, they could garner you lots of stares, whistles, looks of disgust, or sneaky photos (google is loaded with them!) Let’s talk for a moment about the do’s and dont’s of legging wearing, shall we?

DO: pair your leggings with a looser shirt to balance the tightness of the pants. (Photo from Pinterest)

DON’T: buy leggings that are too small, or have too thin of fabric, unless you really WANT everyone to see your bizness… (image from Google)

DO: pair your leggings with a dress/tunic/shirt that is long enough to cover your…um…region. Y’all know what I’m talkin about. (image from Victoria’s Secret)

DON’T: wear leggings if they give you a camel toe. Period. (image from Google)

DO: dress up your leggings with a blazer! You wanna be comfortable, but you don’t want to look like you’ve been writing a term paper in the library for 5 hours. Comfy & classy is always a winner. (image from Google)

The mother of all DON’TS: don’t do anything this poor girl has done. Don’t wear leggings that at first glance make you appear to be naked. Don’t wear leggings that are this tight. Don’t wear them with such a short shirt. Don’t wear them to work. and DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR PHOTO IF YOU’VE BROKEN ANY RULES!!! Otherwise you’ll end up with your booty all over the internet. No one wants that. (image from Pinterest)

Follow these rules, and you’ll be able to stay cute and comfy all through the season.

Wrath: Overall Dealers

Sometimes people wear things that are visually assaulting. You may see people wearing such items and have to resist the urge to backhand them across the face. I completely understand. I’ve been there. And while I’d like to blame the wearer/buyer of these garments, the reality is that there are enablers out there who are actually designing, manufacturing, and selling this garbage. Don’t you see people wearing these things and you think, “Where did they even buy that crap? Who actually makes these things?”  Well, it seems we’ve found an answer to at least one of these questions:

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Who the crap sells overalls? Not only overalls, but overalls with a little pre-made wear and tear (note the right knee) and a medium wash with some whiskered detail?  And, who actually goes into a store, sees this display, and thinks, “OMG this is exactly what I’ve been looking for??

Ok, yes, the guys from Swamp People seem to always be in need of a fresh pair of overalls, but I’ll let them have a pass on this one because I don’t think anyone wants to take a chance of having their jeans slip down giving us a view of their coin slot.

I am sad to admit that this horrific display of one of the biggest fashion mistakes in the history of denim was found at one of my favorite stores: Target.

It’s sad, but true. Target is an enabler in one of the saddest fashion catastrophes of our time. They’re helping to perpetuate family photos like this one:

and this one:

Yes, that is my family and me, and yes, we are wearing overalls…but hey, it was the 90s and we didn’t know any better!

The point is: Target, I’m disappointed in you. You better straighten up.